Sunday, 26 November 2017

Dealing with a Break Up

I've never been one to focus too much on relationships. However I very recently (it'll probably be less so by the time my lazy ass gets round to publishing this but it's been about five days since writing this) went through a break up. I'm going to stay true to my word and discuss it in as little detail as possible. All that's worth saying, really, is that it lasted eight months and was pretty sudden and, therefore unexpected (though not a surprise). It was sudden, so I've been doing a lot of thinking and have had many a revelation that has been useful to me and,  at least I'm hoping, useful to anyone who reads this. I'm pleased to say that I'm I handled the whole thing extremely well- I actually impressed myself. In a bid to tie up any remaining loose ends I'm going to outline some of the things I did and things I learnt from it all (because while in some ways I feel like I wasted my time I also gained a vast amount of insight and actually- surprisingly- learnt a fair bit about myself) so I can finish with it all and move onto the more pressing concerns in my life.

1) Give yourself time to think and reflect. You've got a lot to process, so it's vital that you give yourself the time and space you need to process.

2) Write things down. This is something that has been infinitely useful in helping me make sense of everything. Firstly, it meant that I avoided overthinking and helped break the cycle of thinking the same thoughts over and over, which makes processing everything much more effective. It also makes things a bit more pleasant for you- overthinking is pretty damn stressful! It really helps to make sense of your thoughts. Once I understood my feelings thoroughly I realised things weren't actually working on my end at all either (which I did know, but I didn't know), and the majority of the 'good' things I felt actually originated from a semi-idealised concept I'd constructed in my head. I don't exactly know if that makes sense put so vaguely but I'm not going to elaborate as I said I'd rather not discuss the intricacies of the relationship. I feel so much better now that I understand everything.

3) ...orrr find something that works for you. I realise not everyone will benefit from writing things down. I guess it's a case of trial and error but, honestly, if there's anything that makes it you feel better grab onto it. I actually didn't think I'd be writing my feelings down to the extent I did but it was so beneficial and majorly sped everything up for me, which is the intention!

4) Make sure you give yourself time to process. Rebounding is tempting- you want to find someone else to fill the hole this person has left (though I wouldn't say this was entirely true for me, though it's not exactly untrue either). It's not a healthy way to get over someone- you'll only end up repressing your pain which will either come back to bite you in the arse in the future or it'll take its toll on you in other unconscious ways.

5) Identify things you can improve on. I wouldn't really say this is a necessity, but I found that there were several flaws I managed to identify on my end that I could really work on, such as not knowing where we stood and not expressing. my concerns or the things that made me unhappy. These are flaws that extend beyond the context of a relationship, so working on improving them would mean I benefit in many other areas in my life. There's also the things I can take to other relationships- one on the biggest mistakes I made was not asking him where he thought it was going much earlier on. It would have saved me a lot of anxiety as it would have made communication easier for me. I might have had a better idea that this was coming, saving me a fair bit of time and energy. I'll definitely be doing that next time!

6) Identify things you've learnt. You've put time and effort into someone only for it to be thrown away. Inevitably it will feel like you've wasted your time, but every experience is a learning curve so there I'm sure there will be a lot you've learnt about yourself from this relationship. In my case, I found I was far more resilient than I ever could have imagined. Previously I might have crumbled in a similar situation but this time I didn't even shed a damn tear. I'm actually pretty impressed with myself over that! I also learnt how to deal with the situation effectively in order to minimise any negative feelings (I don't have time to indulge in them, I have more important stuff to get on with)

7) It's almost inevitable you'll feel at least a little sad. This is pretty difficult to deal with as it really varies depending on the nature of both the relationship and the break up. I knew I'd move on pretty quickly as it hadn't been a particularly long relationship, nor did we see a lot of each other. I guess it's really a case of what works for you as an individual. I found it helpful to dissect my feelings. I realised a lot of what I thought I missed I could very easily find in another person, which pretty much immediately made these feelings transient and superficial and, subsequently, less painful. However, I realise this won't be effective for everyone, especially if you had a closer relationship with more genuine feelings.

8) Don't waste time dwelling or wallowing. You need the time to get over it and to find way to deal with the pain but wallowing only fuels the fire, which is not helpful at all. As disheartening as it might feel, you have to accept it's over- you'll be better for it! Plus they're not worth the wasted time anyway haha.

9) Figure out what you want from future relationships. I've learnt a lot from what was lacking in the relationship. In hindsight I was pretty dissatisfied and as much as I'd hoped that which made me dissatisfied would change, or could be improved upon it's very likely that it would have. it's better for one to find someone who offers them what they want going into it rather than hoping for change that likely won't happen. Knowing what you want going into the relationship helps you decide early on whether the person is the right person to forge a long term relationship with, saving both of y'all time and effort. To elaborate, I discovered that the guy I was seeing didn't know what he wanted in a relationship, which is provoked this epiphany (if you can call it that haha!) on my end. Had he known what he wanted he might have known that I wasn't right early on, saving a hell of a lot of trouble. Had I thought about what I wanted earlier on I would have walked away sooner.

10) Enjoy being single and make sure you're in the right place when you next decide to look for a relationship. It's great to be happy in a relationship but depending on another person almost entirely for your happiness is very dangerous- when they walk away they take your happiness with you. You need to be able to depend on yourself for your own happiness before you allow someone else into your life. I believe this is common sense, but I feel it's still something people forget, so I'm gonna chuck it out there as a friendly reminder. Also, your personal issues can become major obstacles. I became acutely aware of my own self esteem issues and that they had a bit of an impact on the way I allowed myself to be treated (I mean, the guy forgot my damn birthday and I didn't call him out on it until the break up. I was pretty badass in that moment, I wish I'd been like that throughout!). I realised I was doing myself a disservice and I actually had a hell of a lot to offer in a relationship- I just need to get to a place where I genuinely believe it, which I'm damn well going to work on! Also, even the most low maintenance of relationships involve some compromise and some loss of time, so enjoy having all the time to focus on yourself! It's pretty awesome being able to focus entirely on yourself when you think about it.

Anyway, I'm done thinking about relationships for the near future! This is super, super long. I didn't really want it to get this text heavy because it makes it more difficult to read but in this case I had things I wanted to work out and so I let myself get carried away. However, since it is pretty ramble-y I've bolded parts of the text that I think are more useful and are more generally applicable to most people.
This was the final thing I needed to do to put it all to rest- I'm pleased to say that within a week I've pretty much entirely moved on and I'm ready to start work on myself (as cringe and cliche as it sounds, I really can't think of another way to phrase it, unfortunately.) I'm planning on using this blog as one of my many tools in doing so. Just a heads up. I have no firm idea of what that entails at this point, so I guess we'll see where it all goes!
If you're struggling with a break up or you're having relationship issues and want someone to rant to my Twitter is @amandamd25 and Instagram is @amandamaria_9

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